Friday, April 26, 2019

Watch Adoptions

Imagine if watches could be adopted like cats and dogs. We did, and this adoption rejection letter was the result. 

Dear Mr. Lear,

Frankly, we're not even sure why you applied. In the forty-nine-year history of the agency, we've never seen anybody as unqualified, undeserving, or unfit to adopt a wristwatch.

A Habring2
Watch Lives Watch Adoptions only places watches in homes where they’ll be cared for with infinite love, where watches are greeted with smiles each and every day, and where watches are treated with the admiration and reverence they deserve. Your home isn’t fit for an hourglass.

Our investigators found that your previous Breitling lived in a watch winder. You probably know that keeping a watch in a winder 24/7 wears your watch out faster because the gears are in constant motion — and that's unacceptable. It’s watch abuse, pure and simple.

We’re also aware that you never put a previously owned Omega in a watch winder, a watch that you rarely wore. Don't you know that a watch that’s stationary for months at a time causes the lubricants to congeal?

If it appears we're contradicting ourselves when it comes to your watches and winders, we don't care. We can deny your watch adoption for any reason. Frankly, we just don’t like you.

You wore your Alain Silberstein with a short sleeve shirt in June, exposing the dial to the harmful rays of the sun. Watches sunburn, too, you know, especially ones with colorful dials like Alain Silberstein’s. Heaven forbid you bleach an H. Moser Vantablack.

We know from social media posts that when you bought your Rolex Daytona, you had your suit jacket sleeve shortened so you could show off the watch. That’s bad taste.

You change the date between 10 and 2. We saw you. (We have eyes everywhere. Ever heard of drones?)

When a friend from your online watch group told you they were bidding on a vintage Grand Seiko, you bid on that watch, but didn’t even win. All you accomplished was to drive the price of the watch up so high that your friend had to drop out of the bidding. You should be expelled from online watch groups, but that’s not our province.

You consistently let your watch drift out of COSC standards. All we can say about that is, shame on you.

Do Alain Silberstein's prefer shade?
You adjust the position of your refrigerator door’s magnets while wearing your watch.

We have no record of you ever taking your watches in for servicing. That’s terrible; it’s like never taking your kid to the pediatrician or your pet to the vet.

You bought your girlfriend a Stührling for her birthday and told her it was a famous Swiss watch brand.

You bought a replica Rolex while in China on a business trip. What was that about?

You wore your Rolex Pepsi loose in winter and looked like a dork; in summer the watch was so tight on your wrist that your salty sweat penetrated the seals.

On at least two occasions you didn’t screw the crown of your watch back in after setting the time — and it was raining on both of those days.

When the conversation at your watch group gatherings turns to Seiko’s Spring Drive, you fake your way through knowing how Spring Drive works. How about spending five minutes watching a YouTube video, eh?

You frequently forget to even wear a watch. That’s like forgetting to walk your dog — imagine the agony your dog is in.

When you wear a watch, you often just look at your phone to tell what time it is.

You are denied!


The Team at Watch Lives Watch Adoptions
“Matching Time and Timekeepers since 1973”

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